Lewd, crude, salacious and outrageous but it’s earned the man the coveted punniest Aussie of the week award.
Bernard Tomic took a long hard look at his bare trophy cabinet and noticed there was some silverware missing. He made it his weekly mission to grab a headline (which he does in his sleep nowadays) and the Oddschecker Punniest Aussie of the Week award.
The young tennis phenom went on a rant aimed at a particular spectator in the crowd who had, according to unconfirmed reports called him a “pussy” and was belittling his girlfriend. Tomic looked down into his hands and noticed two well rounded, fluoro yellow tennis balls and quickly retorted with no air of panic, “Why don’t you suck my balls”. Details are unclear but rumour has it the general crowd had a bit of a giggle at Tomic’s clever use of his surroundings.
Nevertheless, Tomic was slapped with a fine of $US10,000. A fine that Tomic later spoke of as being “worth it, just to get my mits on that PAW (Punniest Aussie of the Week award)”. This disappointing lack of prioritisation has alarmed the Tomic Family. Bernard’s family have detailed that the young stud’s battles with media, emotions and fame have all stemmed from the perennially poor performances of his boyhood club Sunderland FC. “He’s not the same, now that Moyes is in charge and the team is still just as bad as it always has been, I think it’s really taken a toll on his psyche”.
Tomic has evidently started prioritising other ventures such as his recent attempt to win the PAW award which has led to a steady decline in his performances on the grass courts. In what seemed like a simple case of fame going to a young man’s head we find that the emotional toll Sunderland FC has had on the young star is almost irreparable. Once compared to the great Philippoussis or McEnroe, Bernie T is in a landslide of form and fame. Tomic could be heard shouting expletives from his hotel room after the fine was handed down. Bernard was heard shouting “Seriously! Defoe is our top goalscorer!? Why do I support this club of morons! Just get relegated already and put me out of my misery, they’re ruining my life!”.
The Tomic family has pleaded with many a sports psychologist to come to the aid of Bernard. A general consensus amongst professionals in this area have deemed that Bernard is overcompensating for Sunderland’s lack of success by finding quick ways to win trophies in order to fill the void that the ever-disappointing EPL club has left in his soul.
Dr. Rahul Von Bergen has quickly supported these initial reports and added further weight to the argument. Von Bergen has highlighted that as is always the case, the weekend of the 3rd-4th of September is an International round in the EPL. “Some young men find it hard to cope with this notion. The idea of watching 3 rounds of the EPL and then having it quickly snatched away for a usually lacklustre international round can be overbearing at times” the professor from Oxford University stated.
It would be fair to say that we hope Tomic, and Sunderland for that matter, can get back on the horse after this rough period. Tomic is said to be taking a leave of absence from the tour to deal with the crippling disappointment. His family have also terminated his subscription to Sunderland FC TV with the aim to remove all negative influences from his life.