This year's Bachelor finale was a win for single mums.
However, has this romance uncovered a deep dark secret that has slithered its way into the hearts of Aussie blokes?
We’ve just seen Richie lock up Alex, who’s perceived flaw was having a child. However Richie had no qualms with Alex’s child, in fact, it was what attracted him the most. Richie has developed a condition known in Australia as Milfitis.
Doctors claim the origins of the disease are unknown, although many theorists have publicly stated that a combination of an addiction to illicit pornographic web-based materials and the fallout of emotional distress caused by Harambe’s death has been the catalyst for the rampant spread of the disease.
Anyone care to recall what happened in season 3 of the Australian Bachelor?
Well let’s take a walk down memory lane.
Sam Wood, the Melbournian personal trainer and founder of children’s fitness company Gecko Kids, began the arduous process of attempting to court 21 fine young females from across the nation.
Fast forward to the finale where Lana and Snezana went head to head for their Romeo’s heart. Snezana was of course the yummy mummy of the two and again was seen as the underdog to win old mate Woodsy’s love.
Unbeknownst to the nation at the time, our sweetheart Woodsy had contracted stage 2 Milfitis. Fortunately for Sam and Richie alike, testing within the show is at its infancy stage and both men passed through the screening process undetected.
So what now for Australian Women? Must they have a child to woo the heart of their one true love? Will this epidemic spread further into the nether regions of Arnhem Land? These are all very pertinent questions that us Australians must consider for the safety of future generations.
A team of experts has been commissioned by none other than PM Malcolm Turnbull to assess the prevalence of the disease in liaison with WHO (World health organization.
“We as Australian’s have fought mightier foe and overcome greater obstacles. We will not. I repeat. Will not! Let Milfitis penetrate into the hearts of men around our nation. We will, at all costs, put an end to the disease that is plaguing our once great nation”.
Turnbull’s words drew a round of applause from a crowd of 13 loyal followers at Sydney’s Town Hall over night. The embattled leader has openly stated that he will use his impending triumph over Milfitis to secure the next election and prove that he is the hero Australia needs, not the one that we deserve.
Written by Nik Hatzi